Quantum of Promotional Consideration

I am more than a casual fan of James Bond movies. Not fanatic, mind you, but I consider it an early birthday present every few years when James Bond visits in November. The cars, the gadgets, the smoothness, (I intentionally exclude women to preserve the peace in my jurisdiction) it's easy to see why James Bond is a paragon of masculinity and role model to many a young nerd, not to mention my 3 year old daughter.

The latest two films are great. I maintain that Casino Royale was the greatest bond movie to date, mainly because it withstands scrutiny on its own merit, and is a stand- alone good film. Quantum of Solace is equally good, lives up to expectations, has one of the most intense car chases since "Ronin," and if you have not seen it, I would encourage you to do so. Money and time well spent, although I do have a few beefs that I will address in a moment.

First, in preparation for the release of the newest Bond film, Spike TV ran a marathon of some of the classics, and I decided to catch up. Upon watching several of the old films, I came to ten realizations...

1 - If you really want a stark reminder of how good the newest films are, watch the older ones.
2 - I think the majority of the "villain plot-lines" are recycled every 5-10 years.
3 - Austin Powers movies are much funnier after watching "Never Say Never Again." Seriously, watch it if you haven't recently. The cat, the closed circuit tv feed threat to the UN, the TV footage of the nuclear blast... It's like deja vu with a young, chubby Kim Bassinger. Comedy.
4 - Screenwriting has improved almost as much as computer technology in the last 45 years.
5 - Christopher Lee is much more intimidating as an evil wizard or a sith lord than he is as an assassin with 3 nipples (Man with the Golden Gun).
6 - Aston Martins are hot cars. Okay, this one is obvious, but it bears repeating. Have you seen a DBS? Even the classic DB5 (that Connery runs into a wall and Craig wins in a game of Texas Hold-em) could make a grown man weep with joy. I touched one once.
7 - Life imitates art. In the 60's, Goldfinger was released and the car had a tracking system that could pinpoint the target on a map and plot an intercept course (sort of - it was always a zoomed-in close up of what was probably a microfiche, but you got the idea) and now, virtually every car manufacturer has a GPS map system as an option at least on some of their vehicles. The same could be said for Cell phones and star trek, but that is a topic for another post.
8 - Old movies are painfully slow, especially when segmented by basic-cable channel commercial ratios of 2 minutes program to 1 minute commercial, even with a DVR.
9 - Daniel Craig's Bond would kick the crap out of Connery, Moore, Lazenby, and probably Dalton at the same time, although Timmy is so mad all the time he might have a shot. I won't speak to Pierce's ability to hold his own, mainly because he is a fellow Irishman and that is blasphemy, and anyone who has fought an Irishman knows we are not to be underestimated.
10 - Women have gotten better looking over the past 40 years. Enough said.

Now, my 3 "beefs" with Bond films, including the most recent ones.
1 - Promotional Consideration - If you see Q of S a second time (or Casino for that matter), pay attention to the cars. Not just the beautiful Aston, but all the cars (Ford, Volvo, Jaguar, Lincoln, Mercury, Mazda, etc.). They are all Ford, or Ford subsidiaries (seriously, even the beater that he steals in Port Au Prince is an `80s Ford Bronco). Now that is fine, the Wachowski brothers used all GM cars for their awesome freeway scene, but what bugs me is that many of the cars don't even exist, or are unobtainable in the US. The Hydrogen powered Ford Edge that is the "official car of the baddies" in the movie isn't even in pre-pre-testing. If you must place a product in a movie, make it a real product that I can go out and buy, or at least drool over, like his Omega Seamaster Automatic. They have those at J. Brooks in the Gateway, and I visit them every time I go there. I think if Ford had launched a car like the Mondeo (that Bond drives in Casino) or a real WORKING Hydrogen powered Edge stateside, they could have stayed home last week when the General and Mr. Chrysler went to DC with their guitar case, piece of cardboard, and Sharpie.
2 - Villains either have to be pretty dumb, or all have the same realtor. In Austin Powers, Dr. Evil asks that his "underground lair" be built inside a hollowed out volcano. Ironically, in almost every movie, there are conveniently placed Hydrogen tanks primed for explosion, giant antennae on which to impale both henchmen and villians alike, a convenient facade (dilapidated building, dam, ocean oil drilling platform, nuclear train left over from the cold war, etc.), and some sort of overly elaborate power system that is inevitably destroyed by the protagonist in the climax. If I ever become a villian, I am buying a friggin' bomb shelter that runs on nothing more volatile than candles and a hotplate. It will still have sharks with laser beams though, naturally.
3 - It doesn't matter how much time passes, I am still not James Bond. This just isn't fair. Everyone on earth gets older, slower, fatter, and worse looking, but not Bond, and it's just not fair. I think the people I feel the worst for are the actors. Every so often, when gravity starts to work its magic, they just change him out for a new model. At the end of the credits it always says "James Bond Will Return," but it should say something like, "Just not as the same person." It should be said, however, that Connery still could come back again, since he did that a few times.

So I have to consign myself that I will neither become James Bond (I only figured that out around the time "Goldeneye" came out), nor will I have the chance to play him in a movie, because, frankly, I can't act. If anyone suspects this is false modesty, I will try and track down a video of my last acting role as "Charlie the Anvil Salesman" in the Wasatch Jr. High production of "the Music Man" and that should alleviate any doubts as to my lack of acting prowess. So I must live vicariously through the somewhat regular installments of product placement, "Evil plan" recycling, senseless womanizing, Aston Martin thrashing exploits of the character that "invented" the spy. All I can say is "KEEP IT COMING!"